2. The loss process = a process of change!

 2. The loss process = a process of change!

 

Our problems force us to a higher development of our consciousness, to a deeper insight. This allows us to grow into a stronger, more sensitive and more consciously living person.

 

Self-realization: It is about you becoming who you want to be in your life.

 

Yóu are the director of your own life. You determine which role you play in this life!!

(Your grieving process is one of the holiest (healing) experiences you can have as a human being. It will increase your insight into the mystery of life, death and resurrection. Value this. Through love and light we are all connected to each other.

 

There is a connection between very negative feelings and unreasonable thoughts! For example: The thoughts "Life has no meaning anymore", or "I will never be happy again, find a partner" are unreasonable. With that you start living according to a certain thought/statement. Do you recognize that? You don't know what your life will look like in five years.

 

Find out where those thoughts come from. Take your time for this…….

Try to convert negative thoughts into more positive thinking; this will change your feelings and your physical reactions.

 

Every grieving process is unique. There is no ideal grieving process. Nor a standard duration. Or a number of phases that the grieving person has to work through. You do it your way. For one person it is like a closed chapter and a page is turned. And another person throws himself into his work and tries to suppress his feelings.

You cannot solve the problem in an intellectual way.

You do not have to do it alóne, but you do have to do it yoursèlf!

 

The duration of the grieving process depends on the processing of previous losses, and your personality (character). It may take you years to accept that someone is gone from your life forever.

 

Do not avoid others (for support, attention, a hug), but do not listen to people who tell you how you should feel and how long you may or 'must' grieve.

 

There are five tasks of mourning:

1. Share your feelings with others: Express your feelings instead of suppressing them, then they can literally come out and they don't get stuck. Or express yourself in another way: write down your thoughts or feelings, or a farewell letter, everything you still wanted to say; paint, make music, sing, be creative...

This will bring order to the chaos of your darting thoughts and feelings.

 

2. Acknowledging your loss / accepting reality / accepting what happened to you

When your heart breaks, your defense mechanisms such as denial or repression don't work well. Acknowledge your GUILT: the thought 'if only I had .......; for example, gone to a relationship therapist earlier, then …….'

 

Forgiveness can alleviate a lot of suffering at this point. Further on in this blog there is a forgiveness meditation.

 

YOU HAVE MADE THE BEST POSSIBLE DECISIONS UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. You can't do it 'better' again! Accept the facts as they are. You are not solely responsible for what happened.

 

Acknowledge your ANGER: When you are incredibly angry with everything and everyone! Talk about it, then it can come out. Try to give up your negative thoughts, they only make you more depressed. And experience the love that you share with others.

Take courage, because life, your life is a gift. Hang up a saying that speaks to you.

 

Sometimes we have to take life as it comes. You can not always control it.

 

The loss can continue to have an effect for years!

 

You will realize that the divorce is final: no longer setting the table for the person who has left; you think you see your ex walking somewhere, while that is not the case. Your social life changes: you are no longer invited to a card evening, because the fourth person is missing.

Acknowledge your (heart)ache as a reaction: that is part of it.

 

Realize how your whole life has changed (take stock of your damage: in addition to the big cracks, also many small cracks). Write them down……..

Then you can see what and how you can repair……..

 

SELF-HELP: (Take your notebook again)

· Make a daily schedule: It is important that you keep the structure that was there before. Your work/activities, and that you do not become isolated. This way you keep control over the events of the day.

· Eat and drink well.

· Take  physical exercise.

· Do not avoid places.

· Allowe yourself to be sad.

· When you are feeling down, think of a roller coaster, in a wave motion you will also go up.

. Use positive affirmations (e.g. Every day I feel a little bit better) Hang them on the toilet door, mirror, dashboard of your car.

· There are meditation books for every day.

· Write down every day what went well, was positive (diary)……

· Write down what happened in the past year, especially the good things, and how YOU are doing!........

· Ground yourself, with roots or sunlight deep into the earth. So that you don't feel airy-fairy.

· What are you still worried about?.......

 

. What are your wishes?....... How can you realize them?.......

 

Insights

Make a list of your thoughts that you have in a day……..

On the left, you put the positive thoughts under each other. On the right, you put your negative thoughts in a row.

+                                                                            - -

What do you see: Do you notice the amount of a certain side?.......

Which of these thoughts would you like to adjust?.......

 

What is your damage at this moment? (Write it down in your notebook).

 

3. Recognizing feelings such as sadness

Living through, feeling your pain and sadness: Because no one likes to feel pain or sadness, this task is sometimes avoided. Sadness is denied, thoughts avoided. Sometimes the sadness is not that intense (for example, if you both had grown apart and there was actually little love left).

Reorganizing your life, you are going to create a new order and meaning……..

Your daily activities: how do you divide them, with whom (care, transport, social network – do you have daily, weekly, monthly contact), what initiatives do you take yourself. Make a list of resources……

You are going to face and process problematic feelings.

You take stock of what has been good; and what can no longer be repaired……..

Do a forgiveness meditation (towards the other person, ask the other person in your thoughts to forgive you, and finally forgive yourself for all the bad feelings that have happened to you: you can clean house at any time that suits you, and you don't have to keep walking around with it). (see also further in this chapter)

Ask yourself the following questions (and write them down, so you can read them again)

1. What would you like to have?.......

2. What do you need?.......

3. Where can you get that?.......

 

4. Exploring – Giving your former partner and the loss a place within the family and adjusting to a new life in which your ex is no longer present

If that helps you to heal yourself: Light a candle, put light on the situation that has arisen and ask the universe for help.

You will focus on a future in which the loss is no longer central, while your head and heart are still occupied with it.

Be grateful for what your connection has created in your life……..

During holidays: Plan in advance what you want to do that day…….. Make it a day with as little tension as possible.

Memories: What do you miss……., what do you not miss?.......

 

5. Connecting –Giving your broken relationship emotionally a place and making new connections

You are going to give your grief a place; the connection with your broken relationship will take on a different character. Be proud of what it has given you……

You are going to learn to divert your thoughts or undertake something new…….. In doing so, you consciously change your less pleasant feelings into happier experiences.

There is a void, a gift from your ex to you, that you can fill, you can do something with that. Life goes on: you are going to make other, new relationships that fit in with your new situation.

You are going to adapt a new identity for yourself and take a different path in life……..

 

You can experience this period of mourning as a labyrinth: The path is unknown, the exit is difficult to find, you regularly hit a wall and you come to places where you already have been and where your suffering must be overcome. Trust yourself (you can do it, you want to do it, and you do it), and suddenly you see the exit looming before you.

 

Assignment:

1. Tell your story over and over again……..

2. Reminisce with your children. They are loyal to both parents……..

3. Cherish what you had together……..

4. Don't avoid mentioning your ex's name……..

5. As well as important places……..

6. Express your feelings; and if no one is around you to listen, write down your feelings.

7. Let them know if you need support or help!.......

8. Write down what happened to you in the present tense…….; and a while later write it down in the past tense……..

 

There are three phases that you can end up in:

a) Denial / protest (by denying you can admit your loss step by step); indignation, shock, numbness, intoxication, whirl, lots of crying (don't let yourself be stopped in this).

b) Despair (ongeveer half a year after the divorce. For many people this is the most difficult phase):

Compassion starts to ebb away.

You can feel abandoned, lonely, pointless, anxious, angry, guilty, regretful, bitter.

This depression makes you realize that the divorce is final;

Life goes on, but things aren't going well for you yet.

c) Letting go - the fog lifts……

It feels like a roller coaster ride in the dark, with ups and downs. Or like a tidal wave; over time the waves do become less high. One moment you are at the top, the next moment you are in a deep valley. Pain in your chest. You are torn away from the other person. Your feelings shoot in all directions (by turns you feel guilty, sad or angry, or for example you are ashamed of the situation your children have ended up in).

This is a period of active mourning, which can last a long time. Remember: We say goodbye our entire lives: with your birth you are separated from your mother; your school teacher, your childhood, your parents, your home, your lovers, your deceased pet, the seasons. Every change can be seen as a loss.

Life = change.

Gradually you come to terms with your situation, there is acceptance and hope…….

Then you can think back with affection on the relationship you had (not ónly see the ideal image).

What were his/her good sides; AND what were the bad sides? (Notebook)

Self-help:

1. Forgive (in your thoughts) people who want to comfort you, but increase your pain……..

2. Forgive yourself when you are disappointed in others, even if it concerns your departed partner………

3. Keep a diary, what keeps you busy, (letter / poems / drawing / collage)……..

4. Talk to a good friend about the person you have lost……..

5. Do you ever dream…….; what are those dreams about…….? Write down your dreams…….. They tell a lot about yourself and possibly about the situation you are in.

6. Find people in the same situation with whom you can talk (who have overcome a divorce)……..

7. Read about coping with loss on the internet, books for extra help; for expert, anonymous and free advice and information on psychological and social challenges……..

 

Don't make important decisions too quickly: sometimes you need to get away from everything that reminds you of your divorce. Don't give away possessions too quickly. You first have to restore your inner balance.

 

Grief work can make you 'dead tired', empty. How is that for you?....... (Take a rest, go to bed on time, or take an hour to recover in the afternoon)

However, it is advisable to learn to deal with the loss and other unpleasant feelings, in order to be able to take a new path in life. Take time for yourself to reflect at your own pace……. and find a new balance.

 

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