1. What is loss processing? - Healing a very deep wound!

1. What is loss processing? - Healing a very deep wound!

Gaining insights into what happened to you

 

Only rest, attention and loving care over time can bring healing to your deep, painful, mental and emotional wound.

Processing a loss is a process of change, in which you grow out of your bad experiences.

You will never be the same again. And there will always be a scar left behind, which will remind you every now and then of what happened. You do gain life experience, which makes you grow and become wiser. 

A crisis brings you to your own core and sheds light on aspects of life that you would otherwise not look at!

 

The loss will be just as hard as the love was strong. It takes courage and dedication to overcome your grieving process.

The feelings that flood you now that you have suffered a loss, deserve your attention.

You can only transcend your grief if you are willing to experience it, to allow it as a part of life.

You have fallen out of your familiar world, you are lonely and seek reassurance through the presence of another.

Perhaps you can no longer tolerate tension, because your nerves have been overloaded for a while. Give yourself rest and love and attention for yourself. 

 

Mourning is, besides the loss of your loved one, your own sorrow, your abandonment and dismay. Sorrow for the positive that was there, and perhaps sorrow for the negative that was not resolved.

If your parents have separated, or if you have left your partner, or have been left; or if your parents stayed together without creating a loving bond with each other or with you, these are all different pieces of feelings, sorrow, anger, fear, worries that now demand your attention and want to be healed. One person has to deal with this, another with that. We cannot avoid it. And we all experience something of it.

With divorced parents, as a child you temporarily lose both parents, because both the remaining parent and the departed parent become so different from what he/she was and are busy with their own grieving process. New relationships arise. For you and for them. If you are now an adult child of divorced parents, you can still grieve for what has been lost. 

 

It is useful to ask yourself: Write in your notebook

1. What have you lost?.......

2. What kind of relationship did you have with ………………, your partner, your father, your mother?.......

3. Were you aware that he/she meant so much to you?.......

4. If not: how did that happen?.......

 

Crying is allowed!: The tears you cry will heal you and renew your life. The only changes that can still take place are happening inside of you.

Laughter: You are also allowed to have positive emotions during your grieving process. Laughter is healthy! It makes your stress hormones disappear! 

 

Questions we will look at together in the following blogs are:

a) How can you accept your loss?

b) What are you struggling with at the moment (in your stomach)?

c) How do you process your feelings of anger, sadness (for what is over and what will not come back), pain, jealousy, love, guilt (certain things may never have been pronounced).

d) How do you then let go of these feelings?

 

If you keep on running, you can lose yourself.

Feelings have a function, don't hide them! They are allowed to be there. Sooner or later they will find a way out. Often unprocessed feelings get stuck in your body, to remind you that they are still there. Feelings that overwhelm you, now that you have lost a loved one, deserve your attention.

You can only transcend your grief, if you are willing to experience it, to go through the pain.

Because what you resist remains, and what you look at and process, is being healed and disappears! 

 

Worries / wishes (take your notebook again and write down)

What are you worried about? ………………

 

Behind every worry, there is a wish:

What would you like?.......

What do you need?.......

Where can you get that?.......

 

Questionnaire: (notebook)

To gain a better insight into your situation, it is good to do the following assignment:

1. What is your loss experience, who was it about?.......

2. What happened?.......

3. What were your reactions: negative and positive?.......

4. What were you advised to do, and what díd you do?.......

5. Who supported you the most?.......

6. Did something happen that made it extra painful for you?.......

7. What can you learn from this loss experience?.......

8. What scared you in connection with this loss experience?.......

9. What makes it easier for you now?.......

10. Have you had previous loss experiences?....... How old were you and how did you react to them?.......

11. How did your life turn out?......

12. How do you get through your day?....... 

 

Give yourself time to thínk about it and to féél about it………….

 

Short-term suggestions for sedation / shock – Choose what suits you:

1. Be kind to yourself. Reschedule appointments that increase tension.

2. Your mind is elsewhere – be careful when driving (read the instructions on your medication!)

3. Prepare your activities (a movie with a divorce or abuse in it = extra poignant).

4. Make sure you have (inner) peace every day. Grieving = hard work.

5. Choose friends who can listen and understand.

6. Don't do too much in one day. You have less energy.

7. It's not a normal time. Accept your thoughts, feelings and actions, no matter how crazy they seem.

8. Find a way to help yourself - support every day/week. For example: go to your doctor for a talk; therapist; go for lunch with your father, mother, or another family member, a good friend or neighbours.

9. Do everything that is positive and relaxing for you. Such as reading, listening to music, walking.

10. Seek out nature.

 

 Be alert for

1. Persistent confusion

2. No self-confidence

3. Talking about all sorts of things without emotions; if you can't get to your feelings.

4. Persistent anger, guilt, sadness, etc.

 

In that case, go to your GP, who can refer you. Find a holistic therapist! 

 

FAMILY GRIEF

You cannot support your family members as you would like. However, it is true that when you have a weak moment, someone else can be strong at that moment.

You see your children/ex-partner suffering and want to pull the cart, until you notice that the cart is too heavy for yourself.

It can be difficult for children when their parents feel lost. They are unable to avert the loss.

Everyone processes their loss in their own way; one wants to talk, the other listen to music or go into nature. One wants to look at photos from before the divorce, the other does not.

It is good to give each other space in this.

There is not one way to process loss. 

 

Social support

Look into your family, friends and acquaintances network: Who can you turn to for emotional support, practical help and support in the adjustment that the loss of your partner requires?

 

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Women seek help more easily and show their emotions more quickly. Men do not show their grief as quickly. Women have a larger social network. Men are more focused on problem solving. Women are more concerned with emotions and daily household tasks (in addition to their paid job). In traditional life, men have more to lose. A man often hides his feelings and grieves inwardly. 

 

Your

1. Body

2. Mind/Spirit

3. Emotions/Feelings

4. Intuition/Premonition

must be in balance. 

 

What therapy or self-healing is all about is:

TELL YOUR STORY and go with it to your pain, which can be healed by paying attention to it and dealing with it lovingly!!

YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR STORY!

(Said Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, psychiatrist and grief expert, founder of the first Hospice house in the Netherlands)

As often as yóu want and until you are completely done with it. 

 

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