2. The loss process = a
process of change!
Our problems force us to a
higher development of our consciousness, to a deeper insight. This allows us to
grow into a stronger, more sensitive and more consciously living person.
Self-realization:
It is about you becoming who you want to be in your life.
Yóu are the director of your
own life. You determine which role you play in this life!!
(Your grieving process is one of
the holiest (healing) experiences you can have as a human being. It will
increase your insight into the mystery of life, death and resurrection. Value
this. Through love and light we are all connected to each other.
There is a connection between very negative feelings and
unreasonable thoughts! For example: The thoughts "Life has no meaning
anymore", or "I will never be happy again, find a partner" are
unreasonable. With that you start living according to a certain
thought/statement. Do you recognize that? You
don't know what your life will look like in five years.
Find out where those thoughts come from. Take your time for
this…….
Try to convert negative thoughts
into more positive thinking; this will change your feelings and your physical
reactions.
Every grieving process is unique. There is no ideal grieving
process. Nor a standard duration. Or a number of phases that the grieving
person has to work through. You do it your way. For one person it is like a
closed chapter and a page is turned. And another person throws himself into his
work and tries to suppress his feelings.
You cannot solve the problem in an intellectual way.
You do not have to do it alóne, but you do have to do it
yoursèlf!
The duration of the grieving process depends on the
processing of previous losses, and your personality (character). It may take
you years to accept that someone is gone from your life forever.
Do not avoid others (for support, attention, a hug), but do
not listen to people who tell you how you should feel and how long you may or
'must' grieve.
There are five tasks of
mourning:
1. Share your feelings with
others: Express your feelings instead of suppressing them, then they
can literally come out and they don't get stuck. Or express yourself in another
way: write down your thoughts or feelings, or a farewell letter, everything you
still wanted to say; paint, make music, sing, be creative...
This will bring order to the chaos of your darting thoughts
and feelings.
2. Acknowledging your loss /
accepting reality / accepting what happened to you
When your heart breaks, your defense mechanisms such as
denial or repression don't work well. Acknowledge your GUILT: the thought 'if only I had .......; for
example, gone to a relationship therapist earlier, then …….'
Forgiveness can alleviate a lot of suffering at this point. Further
on in this blog there is a forgiveness meditation.
YOU HAVE MADE THE BEST POSSIBLE DECISIONS UNDER THE
CIRCUMSTANCES. You can't do it 'better' again! Accept the facts as they are.
You are not solely responsible for what happened.
Acknowledge your ANGER:
When you are incredibly angry with everything and everyone! Talk about it, then
it can come out. Try to give up your negative thoughts, they only make you more
depressed. And experience the love that you share with others.
Take courage, because life, your life is a gift. Hang up a saying that speaks to you.
Sometimes we have to take life as it comes. You can not
always control it.
The loss can continue to have an effect for years!
You will realize that the divorce is final: no longer
setting the table for the person who has left; you think you see your ex
walking somewhere, while that is not the case. Your social life changes: you
are no longer invited to a card evening, because the fourth person is missing.
Acknowledge your (heart)ache as a reaction: that is part of
it.
Realize how your whole life has changed (take stock of your
damage: in addition to the big cracks, also many small cracks). Write them down……..
Then you can see what and how you can repair……..
SELF-HELP: (Take
your notebook again)
· Make a daily schedule: It is important that you keep the
structure that was there before. Your work/activities, and that you do not
become isolated. This way you keep control over the events of the day.
· Eat and drink well.
· Take physical exercise.
· Do not avoid places.
· Allowe yourself to be sad.
· When you are feeling down, think of a roller coaster, in a
wave motion you will also go up.
. Use positive affirmations (e.g. Every day I feel a little
bit better) Hang them on the toilet door, mirror, dashboard of your car.
· There are meditation books for every day.
· Write down every day what went well, was positive (diary)……
· Write down what happened in the past year, especially the
good things, and how YOU are doing!........
· Ground yourself, with roots or sunlight deep into the
earth. So that you don't feel airy-fairy.
· What are you still worried about?.......
. What are your wishes?....... How can you realize them?.......
Insights
Make a list of your thoughts
that you have in a day……..
On the left, you put the positive thoughts under each other.
On the right, you put your negative thoughts in a row.
+ -
-
What do you see: Do you notice the amount of a certain side?.......
Which of these thoughts would you like to adjust?.......
What is your damage at this
moment? (Write it down in your notebook).
3. Recognizing feelings such
as sadness
Living through, feeling your pain and sadness: Because no
one likes to feel pain or sadness, this task is sometimes avoided. Sadness is
denied, thoughts avoided. Sometimes the sadness is not that intense (for
example, if you both had grown apart and there was actually little love left).
Reorganizing your life, you are going to create a new order
and meaning……..
Your daily activities: how do you divide them, with whom
(care, transport, social network – do you have daily, weekly, monthly contact),
what initiatives do you take yourself. Make a list
of resources……
You are going to face and process problematic feelings.
You take stock of what has been good; and what can no longer
be repaired……..
Do a forgiveness meditation (towards the other person, ask
the other person in your thoughts to forgive you, and finally forgive yourself
for all the bad feelings that have happened to you: you can clean house at any
time that suits you, and you don't have to keep walking around with it). (see
also further in this chapter)
Ask yourself the following questions (and write them
down, so you can read them again)
1. What would you like to have?.......
2. What do you need?.......
3. Where can you get that?.......
4. Exploring – Giving your
former partner and the loss a place within the family and adjusting to a new
life in which your ex is no longer present
If that helps you to heal yourself: Light a candle, put
light on the situation that has arisen and ask the universe for help.
You will focus on a future in which the loss is no longer
central, while your head and heart are still occupied with it.
Be grateful for what your connection has created in your
life……..
During holidays: Plan in advance what you want to do that
day…….. Make it a day with as little tension as possible.
Memories: What do you miss……., what do you not miss?.......
5. Connecting –Giving your
broken relationship emotionally a place and making new connections
You are going to give your grief a place; the connection
with your broken relationship will take on a different character. Be proud of
what it has given you……
You are going to learn to divert your thoughts or undertake
something new…….. In doing so, you consciously change your less pleasant
feelings into happier experiences.
There is a void, a gift from your ex to you, that you can
fill, you can do something with that. Life goes on: you are going to make
other, new relationships that fit in with your new situation.
You are going to adapt a new identity for yourself and take
a different path in life……..
You can experience this period of mourning as a labyrinth:
The path is unknown, the exit is difficult to find, you regularly hit a wall
and you come to places where you already have been and where your suffering
must be overcome. Trust yourself (you can do it, you want to do it, and you do
it), and suddenly you see the exit looming before you.
Assignment:
1. Tell your story over and over again……..
2. Reminisce with your children. They are loyal to both
parents……..
3. Cherish what you had together……..
4. Don't avoid mentioning your ex's name……..
5. As well as important places……..
6. Express your feelings; and if no one is around you to
listen, write down your feelings.
7. Let them know if you need support or help!.......
8. Write down what happened to you in the present tense…….;
and a while later write it down in the past tense……..
There are three phases that you can end up in:
a) Denial / protest (by denying you can admit your loss
step by step); indignation, shock, numbness, intoxication, whirl, lots of
crying (don't let yourself be stopped in this).
b) Despair (ongeveer half a year after the divorce. For many
people this is the most difficult phase):
Compassion starts to ebb away.
You can feel abandoned, lonely, pointless, anxious, angry,
guilty, regretful, bitter.
This depression makes you realize that the divorce is final;
Life goes on, but things aren't going well for you yet.
c) Letting go - the fog lifts……
It feels like a roller coaster ride in the dark, with ups
and downs. Or like a tidal wave; over time the waves do become less high. One
moment you are at the top, the next moment you are in a deep valley. Pain in
your chest. You are torn away from the other person. Your feelings shoot in all
directions (by turns you feel guilty, sad or angry, or for example you are
ashamed of the situation your children have ended up in).
This is a period of active mourning, which can last a long
time. Remember: We say goodbye our entire lives: with your birth you are
separated from your mother; your school teacher, your childhood, your parents,
your home, your lovers, your deceased pet, the seasons. Every change can be
seen as a loss.
Life = change.
Gradually you come to terms with your situation, there is
acceptance and hope…….
Then you can think back with affection on the relationship
you had (not ónly see the ideal image).
What were his/her good sides;
AND what were the bad sides? (Notebook)
Self-help:
1. Forgive (in your thoughts) people who want to comfort
you, but increase your pain……..
2. Forgive yourself when you are disappointed in others,
even if it concerns your departed partner………
3. Keep a diary, what keeps you busy, (letter / poems /
drawing / collage)……..
4. Talk to a good friend about the person you have lost……..
5. Do you ever dream…….; what are those dreams about…….?
Write down your dreams…….. They tell a lot about yourself and possibly about
the situation you are in.
6. Find people in the same situation with whom you can talk
(who have overcome a divorce)……..
7. Read about coping with loss on the internet, books for
extra help; for expert, anonymous and free advice and information on
psychological and social challenges……..
Don't make important decisions too quickly: sometimes you
need to get away from everything that reminds you of your divorce. Don't give
away possessions too quickly. You first have to restore your inner balance.
Grief work can make you 'dead tired', empty. How is that for you?.......
(Take a rest, go to bed on time, or take an hour to recover in the
afternoon)
However, it is advisable to learn to deal with the loss and
other unpleasant feelings, in order to be able to take a new path in life. Take
time for yourself to reflect at your own pace……. and find a new balance.
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